Dear Child...Take Your Time
“Don’t compare your child to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time.”
I love to read, in fact reading was what inspired my writing and it really was what shaped me into who I am today. As a young girl I believed books could fix anything and that all the answers to the world’s most difficult questions could be found in books somewhere or somehow. Naturally, when I found out I was pregnant with my firstborn, I believed that books would be my best company, my greatest guide, my light into the unknown, but oh how wrong I was. It didn’t take me very long to realize that there is no perfect guide to motherhood, that no book had the answers I sought and that the deeper I dove into these books the more confused I came out on the other side. I had to accept that there is no special book, no one size fits all guide to motherhood because, well, motherhood is not perfect for starters, but also because no motherhood journey is the same and each and every child is so uniquely special and different. I had to come to terms with the fact that our journey together would have to be trial and error, filled with ups and downs as we find our place in each other and in this world that is new and unknown to the both of us.
As a young, first time mom I feared a lot, I worried constantly and every new step into the journey was scary as hell, but the one thing I struggled with most was the constant pressure I felt to ensure my child reaches developmental milestones at just the perfect times, which is even more complicated and confusing when you are a first time mom to a baby born prematurely. See, when books failed me, I turned to people and almost drowned in the opinions of what other’s thought was best for my child. The pressure started really early on – “why isn’t he rolling over yet?”, “shouldn’t he be crawling yet?”, “he is taking his sweet time to stand by himself”, “Why isn’t he speaking?” and the list goes on and on and the pressure felt heavier and heavier until one day I just wanted to scream “I. DON’T. KNOW! LEAVE.HIM! PLEASE!! JUST. STOP!’
And then there comes that day in your motherhood journey where you decide to let go, when you choose to trust in the process and to have faith in that little being with their big blue eyes who chose to trust you with their entire being, and you breathe…and everything else just starts falling into place. That’s the day that you realize that people’s opinions really don’t matter, that you are doing a heck of a good job and that God CHOSE you to be YOUR CHILD’S mom, because He knew you’d be exactly who he/she needs. It took me almost TWO YEARS to find this day, to find my peace in our journey and I haven’t looked back a day in my life.
See, from the moment a child is born the measuring begins, and this measuring never really ends. Apgar scales, growth and development charts, key developmental milestones, IQ tests, school readiness tests, standardized tests and the list goes on and on. There are countless academic, cognitive and social markers which can either be points of pride for new parents or a never-ending list of red flags, fears and possible problems or disorders. As parents we love to tick off these boxes one by one because in some strange way this acts as a sigh of relief and a sense of security that we are doing a great job, but on the flip side of the card it also causes us to place immense pressure on ourselves and our babies, especially first time moms. We so easily find ourselves trapped in this black hole of compare and despair, especially when our child develops a little differently, when in fact we should be honoring our children’s unique timeline so they can become secure in who they are as individuals and we should be enjoying this journey into motherhood with them one phase at a time.
So, how do we do this? How do we stop comparing our children to others? How do we break this cycle of compare and despair? Well let’s start at the beginning… it’s always a little easier when you understand the process and know you are not alone.
It is impossible to “force” a child to develop “perfectly”
It is not physically possible to get a child to progress to a new stage of development before he/she is ready. This has been confirmed by many child development experts and as a mom I can 100% testify to this. This is the reason why sleep training A failed miserably, why he just wouldn’t self-wean from breastfeeding when I wanted him to, why he just flat out refused to potty train when his school required it from him and why getting him to sleep in his own bed was a waking nightmare. Let me say this again – you cannot force a child to progress to a new stage of development before they are ready, and in trying to do this you will not only break your child’s spirits but also your own, because most children follow the exact same general growth and development pattern that cannot be changed, but progress in each child will differ by weeks or even months. The important thing to note is whether the child is progressing and developing new skills as time goes on (and not regressing).
Children develop at their own pace and it’s perfectly normal
Children are like fingerprints – no two are the same. Every single child is different, even identical twins, and will therefore develop differently, have different personalities, possess different strengths and require different kinds of support to meet their individual needs. Just look at you and me for instance – your strengths may be my weaknesses and vice versa. You might be able to learn a new language within weeks or months whereas it could take me years or even forever, why should it be any different for our children? It is perfectly normal for babies and children to develop at different rates. There simply is no one-size-fits-all way to parent, if there was this journey would have been extremely boring. Always Remember that when we try to force and control things, our children feel this pressure and their learning then doesn’t flow naturally. We need to have faith and confidence in ourselves to do the best we can and in our children to become who they are meant to be. I love this quote by Dorothy Corkville Briggs: “Every child has an inner timetable for growth – a pattern unique to him…Growth is not steady, forward, upward progression. It is instead a switchback trail, three steps forward, two back, one around the bushes and a few simply standing, before another forward leap.”
The benefits of allowing your child to develop at their own pace:
1.It builds their confidence
I mention this first, because it is the most important point here. When we force a child to try and reach a milestone which they are not ready for yet, it WILL break their spirits and affect their confidence. They will feel like they are constantly failing and like they’ll “never” get it right. In allowing children to develop at their own pace and to reach milestones when they are ready, we help them build their confidence levels and they will feel like they achieved something greater rather than feel like they can’t do anything right. This will also motivate them and give them the confidence to take on new challenges and to try new things instead of fearing new things.
2. It avoids frustration
There’s nothing more frustrating for a parent than to sacrifice time and money to help your child and to feel like you are following every step in the book and doing everything correctly but you’re still getting nowhere slowly. There is also nothing more frustrating for a child than being pushed and nagged and punished and fought with because he/she is struggling to achieve something which he/she simply CANNOT do just yet. Trying to force your child to achieve milestones which they are not ready for is going to be an extremely frustrating process for the both of you and will do more harm than good. Always remember frustrated kids are disengaged kids. When a child feels like they are unable to learn or do something they are more likely to give up completely.
3. It will avoid prolonging the process
When you force a child to try and reach a milestone for which they are not ready for yet, you often end up prolonging the process, since the child loses interest in trying or may even develop a fear of for example the potty when forced to potty train prematurely. In allowing your child to develop at their own pace you would not only have equipped them with the necessary tools and skills to reach this milestone effectively, but also the confidence and motivation to do so in no time at all.
4. It will save you time and money
Trust me on this one. Very often when we try to force our kids to reach a milestone it includes outside help – sleep trainers, books, courses, etc. Just don’t. Sleep training was not worth it, that 3-day potty training method that you paid hundreds for won’t work unless your child is ready (and if they are you won’t need the book in any case). Save yourself some money and enjoy every phase as it comes, you’ll miss it once it’s gone.
5. Happy, Healthy and Independent kids
You will be raising children who are happy, healthy and at peace with who they are. Children who are confident in their abilities and can stand independently.
These are only but a few benefits, but the greatest of all is that you will actually start to enjoy your motherhood journey, you won’t feel the constant pressure to measure up to someone else’s expectations and you’ll save your child from those expectations as well and last but not least you will become more connected to your own child and your bond will grow stronger and stronger. Who cares that Johnny walked at 9 months or Suzie spoke full sentences at a year old? Let me tell you, when you go through this journey at their pace and truly enjoy it, it always feels like they are ready way before you ever were. You no longer pray for the lasts – the last time they wake up during the night, the last time you have to change a nappy, the last time you need to pick your outfit according to ease of access to your boobies – no, the lasts creep up to you and surprise you like a thief in the night and it leaves you a little emotional (ok maybe VERY emotional), but their smiles, self-pride and excitement comforts you because although you are losing a bit of your baby you can clearly see them growing into a happy, confident and motivated child, teen, tween, young adult and eventually adult.
And from one mother to another – Enjoy the baby babbles for as long as they last, because before you rub out your eyes you’ll have a 5 year old with verbal diarrhea who never stops talking about Minecraft, and other related things that you STILL don’t understand. Please breastfeed for as long as you want to, your child won’t breastfeed forever, – A self-weaned at 3,5 years old and it was the most beautiful, gentle process ever. Don’t stress about potty-training, your child won’t stay in nappies forever – A potty-trained himself (day and night time) at almost 3 years old and it took him exactly 3 days, this after a failed attempt at potty-training due to pressure applied by his school, and him having to stay in the younger class for another year because I eventually gave up. I don’t have to take him to the bathroom during the night and I’ve never had to, because he was 100% ready. I know you are tired now, but your child won’t wake up in 3 hour intervals for the rest of their lives – it only took A 4 years to sleep through the night but now he’ll sleep through an earthquake without a twitch and mama can finally catch up on some much needed rest, 4 years of it, to be precise. We spent thousands on sleep training and paid even more with our mental health to no avail, because sleep is just another milestone they’ll reach WHEN THEY ARE READY. Co-sleep for as long as you can, because your child won’t co-sleep until they go to Highschool – A and I co-slept until after he turned 5, and then one day he just told me that he is big now, went to his own bed and that’s where he slept – no fuss, no crying, no fighting, nothing. I miss his little body tucked away in my arms at night.
If there’s one thing I learned from my motherhood journey thus far it’s to embrace every moment, because only moms know that “They grow up so fast” isn’t just another cliché. I know that some days we feel like the days are long, but the years truly are short and before you know it you’ll miss the days you wished could be over – yes, even those little Dracula teeth biting down on your nipple as they breastfeed, or the way you basically end up sleeping on the floor because they somehow managed to take over a bed no matter the size, or the way they fountained all over you the moment you opened their nappy, because at the end of the day all you’ll ever have left are memories.
Now, please don’t get me wrong – I am not saying that you should completely let go and allow your child to just wing it. What I am saying is that we should stop comparing our children’s progress to another’s and instead of pushing them towards a pre-set schedule, we should keep an eye out for the indicators that our children is busy moving toward the next developmental stage, and then guide them with love and be their biggest cheerleader as they move and grow into it. I would also like to add that as a mother you know your child best and if you feel like something is wrong then please do rather see a professional to set your mind and heart at ease, we both know you won’t breathe until you are at peace anyways.
In conclusion I just want to leave you with this quote:
Popcorn is prepared in the same pot, in the same heat, in the same oil, and yet, the kernels don’t pop at the same time. Don’t compare your child to other children. Their turn to POP is coming! It’ll be okay!
Lots of Love
~ A and Mommy ~
